[ There's a spike of guilt at feeling Silver's feelings, spreading into his hesitation and nervousness. ]
-If you don't want to though, that's okay too. I don't want to push you to be something you don't like or want to be. I just... if you thought you couldn't be for any reason, I want you to know that you could be a demanding, pushy jerk, and I'd still love you anyway.
It was partly selfish. I like doing things with you and I wanted to make sure you got out. Plus it seemed like a good distraction for you. And I knew the boys would love it.
You can't ever predict what gets people horny. I just assume 'everything'. I really didn't think the costumes suited us though...like I thought it'd be more ha ha?
[ A small bit of frustration and protectiveness, holding tight onto the hand. ]
I was thinking about talking with C about that too... I know he's got his issues, but making it tougher on you to just casually hang out with friends is too much bullying.
[ Big hesitation, but that determination steels itself again, weaker though than before because this topic is big anxiety for him. ]
I can't talk for B, but for me... it reminds me of all of my worries about Aries and Haruto. You guys felt as close as family, and as someone who was doubting his place in your family... I guess it hits on those feelings of being replaced.
So with them it's both...
[ There's fear and self-doubt and loathing at himself for these thoughts, which digs in more as he continues. ]
... On one hand, it feels like you're replacing Aries and Haruto. And if they were so important to you, but could be replaced so easily, can I be? Is another Osamu fine as long as it's some Osamu... that's what I thought. So that's my selfish worry.
... On the other, I don't know how close you want to be with them. I haven't really talked to them, but the way they look at you and... be blatantly interested in you, it feels like... they're your boys too. And they only want to be involved with just you. Like your own set of B and C who don't really want me. And I'm too jealous to handle you having another set of boys in your life, but that's me being a greedy jerk. If you want to get to know them, I should be supportive, not jealous.
[ Big hesitate then. ]
... That's how I felt with Aries and Haruto too. They only really minded my existence for you, but if you didn't insist that I was important, then I would have never been anything to them. That our relationship as twins didn't matter except because you said so and it made me feel... dismissed. Like... they'd get rid of me even, if they thought it was something you'd like, with no hesitation for my own opinions because the only one that mattered was yours. That's... what scared me about them.
[Thinking it over...at first there's no emotion...but then there's a small flash of hurt, regret, guilt, loneliness...]
...it's hard to explain, but...Scythe and Coriander AREN'T Aries and Haruto. They're so similar but so different at the same time. They got a foot in the door because I miss Aries and Haruto so much...a cheat code. I'm not confusing them for each other. I just want to help them in the way Aries and Haruto helped me and pay it forward a little. And...a lot of the things I like about Aries and Haruto I like about them too. They're not replacements though, they're definitely different.
If another Osamu showed up here...I'd want to get to know them. They wouldn't be you, they couldn't replace you even if they tried. If you weren't here with me though...having a version of you here....it would be a painful reminder but it would also help the ache a little. Maybe that makes me a bad person... I'm probably using them a little bit to make myself feel better.
But no matter how similar other versions are, they don't share the same experiences with me. We don't have the same history.
[ Listening to Silver quietly, nervous and anxious still buzzing at the surface as he tries to push into understanding but there's still big hesitation and longing, his hand fiddling absently with the back of Silver's shirt. ]
... Selfishly, I wish I could fill in the gap they left myself.
But the world's bigger than just us.
[ His hesitation grows more, but he presses through it, unsurity edging up again. ]
Are Scythe and Coriander as important to you as B and C? And are Aries and Haruto? Or are they more? I just... think I need to know that.
You're enough. More than enough. You can't...replace them...but you definitely are enough to fill the hole, okay? If I lost you, I couldn't recover from that.
[Frowns at that...pushing down a flash of hurt, trying to be as comforting and reassuring as possible]
It's not the same. You, B and C are my boys. You're the ones I'm going home with. You guys are my home.
[ Catching Silver's hand, holding onto it tightly, pulsing with yearning and disappointment with himself and an underlying desperation not to mess up again. ]
If they're important to you, I don't want to ignore that. I don't want to force you to pick, I want to figure out how to make things work. If making it work means leaving you guys to do your own thing, then we can do that, because in the end what all of us want is for you to be happy too.
[ There's a big hesitation again, but this time Gold doesn't push through it, already unsure and doubtful. ]
[Bumping foreheads with him, squeezing his hand back; there's definitely an ache and worry and a feeling of helplessness and want]
I want you guys to be happy with me. That's what I want. So how do I make that happen. I don't want you guys to be angry or hurt or think you're being replaced. You guys are the best hing I have, I don't want to risk losing you.
[ His emotions stir up, guilt, disappointment in himself, loathing for pushing Silver to this, but he tries, keeps wanting to try to hold onto him desperately. ]
I don't know if I can speak for the tinies. And I know they won't speak for themselves, because they're both all too eager to throw away themselves for other people's happy.
[ That hesitation and fear he was experiencing before rear up again. ]
... You've had other friends before, that none of us have ever felt anxious about. But I don't think any of us know how to handle you having friends you're as close to as us. For me... seeing how physically affectionate Scythe was with you, and how okay with it you were, that's what surprises me? Because you're only that way with B and C, from what I know. And then finding out he actively flirts with you is kinda...
[ Weakly, the disappointment in himself and guilt growing. ]
That's why I feel nervousness. Because you treat him like how you treat B and C, but you say B and C are your most important. ... But you don't behave like that with any of your other friends. That's what I got worked up about, that what I was hearing and what I was seeing were crossed.
... That's what messes me up. But telling you to stop that makes me feel like I'm taking away from you something that makes you feel comfortable and happy, which I don't want to do either. So I don't know what to say.
Haaa....big baby. Are you worried I'm going to dump you guys for them? Leave you for new shiny friends? Even I'm not that fickle.
[Reaching up to ruffle Gold's hair with both hands. Tired, but proud of Gold for saying what he wants, soft dere]
...I've been fighting a lot with Wild City lately. I've been trying to distance myself a little so when things go wrong I don't feel like it's all my fault. And I've been trying to distance to make you feel a little more secure. And when North came back she immediately like....launched into a speech that basically boils down to suggesting Wild City was falling apart and I have a drinking problem. So then I got self conscious and felt like I was being judged for how I've been coping with my anxiety. I could sense you and B and C were anxious, but I didn't know how to fix it. I've felt helpless and useless and kinda like a fuck up who can't make anyone happy and it just reminds me I've never really had "friends" and made me think maybe I'm not supposed to? Something like that.
[Sorry about the giant wave of self loathing, ruffling Gold's hair again]
To be honest, I'm used to friends crushing on me at this point. And teammates. So I'm probably not as uncomfortable with it as most people are? Plus I act flirty a lot, so it's something I bring on myself in general.
It's not that I'm replacing you guys. It's not that I'm mad at you guys or disappointed or anything. Nothing is your or B or C's fault. And no one can replace you guys in my heart, okay? I'm just....I feel a little helpless in being able to make people I care about feel better right now. I know I can make them happy though so I've been leaning into it pretty hard and chasing that feeling a little.
[ Huffs a little, embarrassed and nervous but pressing into Silver, letting comfort from his presence roll over him. ]
Yeah, I'm baby when it comes to you.
[ It spikes into anger and protectiveness at hearing Silver talk about Wild City and his experiences, curling around him more, settling into sadness and guilt over the course of his conversation and a faint bit of understanding. ]
... I can get that. Doing something you know you can do when you're surrounded by things you're unsure about. It's terrifying to try the latter, especially when the stakes concern the people you love.
[ Finding Silver's hand again, squeezing tight. ]
If they make you happy to make them happy, I support you. And... I'll try to do what I can to help with B and C? They're ours, we've gotta be able to be as comfortable with them as we are with each other. And right now we're all kind of bad at it when it comes to ruder feelings.
[ Pressing his forehead to Silver's, still an edge of nervousness and guilt but love and concern and protectiveness and mine swelling up around and over. ]
You deserve good things. And good friends. Ones that won't just automatically crush on you too and now I'm mad at Imeeji for how horny it is all the time. I'll do better in letting you know what you can do to help me, and I'll talk with B about being a more selfish boy. I'll talk with C too, when I can.
... I'll always be by your side, whether you're being amazing or a fuck up. I'll drag you through it all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 235, Emotionshare Game
-If you don't want to though, that's okay too. I don't want to push you to be something you don't like or want to be. I just... if you thought you couldn't be for any reason, I want you to know that you could be a demanding, pushy jerk, and I'd still love you anyway.
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I know. You're just supporting me. Nothing to feel guilt about, you're not a jerk.
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I'm definitely a jerk. We both are. Pretty sure it's in our nature.
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We're definitely both jerks, but it's fine. You only want to see me happy though, I get it.
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I do.
... What kinds of things make you happy most, right now?
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More brotherly time and cuddling? I want that too.
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... I really did have fun during the maid live. I like being able to enjoy something silly together. Thanks for bringing me along.
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I'm still not sure about the sexy appeal, I really thought it'd just be laughing and teasing.
[ But it smooths out to fond and happy. ]
... I'm glad you were selfish then. You should be more often.
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[ Huffs a little into Silver's hair, but relaxing and content and... slight concern. ]
You okay with everything that happened during the live? I mean besides our... thing.
Re: Day 235, Emotionshare Game
I wasn't okay with C telling Scythe to go for it, but we talked it out.
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I was thinking about talking with C about that too... I know he's got his issues, but making it tougher on you to just casually hang out with friends is too much bullying.
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[Trying to push down a small wave of nerves, guilt, frustration (directed at himself)....hesitating before continuing]
I'd like to get to know them....but if you guys don't want me to talk to them...I need to know that. I know B isn't happy with me.
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I can't talk for B, but for me... it reminds me of all of my worries about Aries and Haruto. You guys felt as close as family, and as someone who was doubting his place in your family... I guess it hits on those feelings of being replaced.
So with them it's both...
[ There's fear and self-doubt and loathing at himself for these thoughts, which digs in more as he continues. ]
... On one hand, it feels like you're replacing Aries and Haruto. And if they were so important to you, but could be replaced so easily, can I be? Is another Osamu fine as long as it's some Osamu... that's what I thought. So that's my selfish worry.
... On the other, I don't know how close you want to be with them. I haven't really talked to them, but the way they look at you and... be blatantly interested in you, it feels like... they're your boys too. And they only want to be involved with just you. Like your own set of B and C who don't really want me. And I'm too jealous to handle you having another set of boys in your life, but that's me being a greedy jerk. If you want to get to know them, I should be supportive, not jealous.
[ Big hesitate then. ]
... That's how I felt with Aries and Haruto too. They only really minded my existence for you, but if you didn't insist that I was important, then I would have never been anything to them. That our relationship as twins didn't matter except because you said so and it made me feel... dismissed. Like... they'd get rid of me even, if they thought it was something you'd like, with no hesitation for my own opinions because the only one that mattered was yours. That's... what scared me about them.
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...it's hard to explain, but...Scythe and Coriander AREN'T Aries and Haruto. They're so similar but so different at the same time. They got a foot in the door because I miss Aries and Haruto so much...a cheat code. I'm not confusing them for each other. I just want to help them in the way Aries and Haruto helped me and pay it forward a little. And...a lot of the things I like about Aries and Haruto I like about them too. They're not replacements though, they're definitely different.
If another Osamu showed up here...I'd want to get to know them. They wouldn't be you, they couldn't replace you even if they tried. If you weren't here with me though...having a version of you here....it would be a painful reminder but it would also help the ache a little. Maybe that makes me a bad person... I'm probably using them a little bit to make myself feel better.
But no matter how similar other versions are, they don't share the same experiences with me. We don't have the same history.
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... Selfishly, I wish I could fill in the gap they left myself.
But the world's bigger than just us.
[ His hesitation grows more, but he presses through it, unsurity edging up again. ]
Are Scythe and Coriander as important to you as B and C? And are Aries and Haruto? Or are they more? I just... think I need to know that.
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You're enough. More than enough. You can't...replace them...but you definitely are enough to fill the hole, okay? If I lost you, I couldn't recover from that.
[Frowns at that...pushing down a flash of hurt, trying to be as comforting and reassuring as possible]
It's not the same. You, B and C are my boys. You're the ones I'm going home with. You guys are my home.
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If they're important to you, I don't want to ignore that. I don't want to force you to pick, I want to figure out how to make things work. If making it work means leaving you guys to do your own thing, then we can do that, because in the end what all of us want is for you to be happy too.
[ There's a big hesitation again, but this time Gold doesn't push through it, already unsure and doubtful. ]
Re: Day 235, Emotionshare Game
I want you guys to be happy with me. That's what I want. So how do I make that happen. I don't want you guys to be angry or hurt or think you're being replaced. You guys are the best hing I have, I don't want to risk losing you.
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I don't know if I can speak for the tinies. And I know they won't speak for themselves, because they're both all too eager to throw away themselves for other people's happy.
[ That hesitation and fear he was experiencing before rear up again. ]
... You've had other friends before, that none of us have ever felt anxious about. But I don't think any of us know how to handle you having friends you're as close to as us. For me... seeing how physically affectionate Scythe was with you, and how okay with it you were, that's what surprises me? Because you're only that way with B and C, from what I know. And then finding out he actively flirts with you is kinda...
[ Weakly, the disappointment in himself and guilt growing. ]
That's why I feel nervousness. Because you treat him like how you treat B and C, but you say B and C are your most important. ... But you don't behave like that with any of your other friends. That's what I got worked up about, that what I was hearing and what I was seeing were crossed.
... That's what messes me up. But telling you to stop that makes me feel like I'm taking away from you something that makes you feel comfortable and happy, which I don't want to do either. So I don't know what to say.
Re: Day 235, Emotionshare Game
[Reaching up to ruffle Gold's hair with both hands. Tired, but proud of Gold for saying what he wants, soft dere]
...I've been fighting a lot with Wild City lately. I've been trying to distance myself a little so when things go wrong I don't feel like it's all my fault. And I've been trying to distance to make you feel a little more secure. And when North came back she immediately like....launched into a speech that basically boils down to suggesting Wild City was falling apart and I have a drinking problem. So then I got self conscious and felt like I was being judged for how I've been coping with my anxiety. I could sense you and B and C were anxious, but I didn't know how to fix it. I've felt helpless and useless and kinda like a fuck up who can't make anyone happy and it just reminds me I've never really had "friends" and made me think maybe I'm not supposed to? Something like that.
[Sorry about the giant wave of self loathing, ruffling Gold's hair again]
To be honest, I'm used to friends crushing on me at this point. And teammates. So I'm probably not as uncomfortable with it as most people are? Plus I act flirty a lot, so it's something I bring on myself in general.
It's not that I'm replacing you guys. It's not that I'm mad at you guys or disappointed or anything. Nothing is your or B or C's fault. And no one can replace you guys in my heart, okay? I'm just....I feel a little helpless in being able to make people I care about feel better right now. I know I can make them happy though so I've been leaning into it pretty hard and chasing that feeling a little.
Re: Day 235, Emotionshare Game
Yeah, I'm baby when it comes to you.
[ It spikes into anger and protectiveness at hearing Silver talk about Wild City and his experiences, curling around him more, settling into sadness and guilt over the course of his conversation and a faint bit of understanding. ]
... I can get that. Doing something you know you can do when you're surrounded by things you're unsure about. It's terrifying to try the latter, especially when the stakes concern the people you love.
[ Finding Silver's hand again, squeezing tight. ]
If they make you happy to make them happy, I support you. And... I'll try to do what I can to help with B and C? They're ours, we've gotta be able to be as comfortable with them as we are with each other. And right now we're all kind of bad at it when it comes to ruder feelings.
[ Pressing his forehead to Silver's, still an edge of nervousness and guilt but love and concern and protectiveness and mine swelling up around and over. ]
You deserve good things. And good friends. Ones that won't just automatically crush on you too and now I'm mad at Imeeji for how horny it is all the time. I'll do better in letting you know what you can do to help me, and I'll talk with B about being a more selfish boy. I'll talk with C too, when I can.
... I'll always be by your side, whether you're being amazing or a fuck up. I'll drag you through it all.
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