calmthefoxdown | Overflow

Is there anything you wish I'd do...?

[ Closing his eyes for a moment, considering over the question and his response before opening them again, feelings a muddle of hesitation, nervousness, and a desire to be honest. ]

I... wish you'd feel more comfortable being yourself publicly. I think I get why things have turned out the way they have, you wanted to protect Wild City through a positive reputation and help the people who were taking care of you but... it's kinda like watching B trying to change himself to be more appealing to a general populace. It makes me worried that you'll both lose what makes you guys great, for the sake of other people who think that version of you is the real you.

I know in our memories, I said I'd never be a jerk the way you were to people, but the me right now really admires that fortitude. That you were unapologetic about the way you were, because you knew what you wanted and you wouldn't let anything stand in the way. That confidence and drive... I'm jealous of that even now.

And I think it's still inside you, it's just been pushed down deep because of our anxieties about what we needed to do to survive here. And... I don't know about you, but it doesn't make me happy being that way. That's why, I think, I've done everything I have over these last few days. I want to be happy doing what I want to do, without hesitation. I'd rather actively talk about things with my boys than worry about whether or not I should or shouldn't do something, because I think it might offend you in some way I made up in my head.

And I want you to be able to feel like you can do that too.

[Listening quietly, head resting on his shoulder. There's a small flare up of regret and a slight tinge of worry, but he's mostly just considering it.]

It's hard to get out of a cycle like that. I can do it. It's just going...gonna...take a while.

[ There's a spike of guilt at feeling Silver's feelings, spreading into his hesitation and nervousness. ]

-If you don't want to though, that's okay too. I don't want to push you to be something you don't like or want to be. I just... if you thought you couldn't be for any reason, I want you to know that you could be a demanding, pushy jerk, and I'd still love you anyway.

[Love and appreciation and reassurance]

I know. You're just supporting me. Nothing to feel guilt about, you're not a jerk.

[ Burying his face into Silver's hair, embarrassed and still a bit nervous but bubbling with fondness. ]

I'm definitely a jerk. We both are. Pretty sure it's in our nature.

[Hums in agreement, cuddling closer. Amusted and affection and possessive]

We're definitely both jerks, but it's fine. You only want to see me happy though, I get it.

[ His own possessiveness flares up, his arms around Silver. ]

I do.

... What kinds of things make you happy most, right now?

For starters....? This is pretty great.

[ Warm and loving push out the last of his nervousness. ]

More brotherly time and cuddling? I want that too.

Time with you, time with our boys, just relaxing together and doing fun things....

Mm... more fun stuff for us?

... I really did have fun during the maid live. I like being able to enjoy something silly together. Thanks for bringing me along.

It was partly selfish. I like doing things with you and I wanted to make sure you got out. Plus it seemed like a good distraction for you. And I knew the boys would love it.

[ There's mild confusion for a moment. ]

I'm still not sure about the sexy appeal, I really thought it'd just be laughing and teasing.

[ But it smooths out to fond and happy. ]

... I'm glad you were selfish then. You should be more often.

You can't ever predict what gets people horny. I just assume 'everything'. I really didn't think the costumes suited us though...like I thought it'd be more ha ha?

Same... 'everything' really does sound like the right answer to assume.

[ Huffs a little into Silver's hair, but relaxing and content and... slight concern. ]

You okay with everything that happened during the live? I mean besides our... thing.

[Looking up at the concern...there's his own hesitation, but he pushes through it, taking Golds hand]

I wasn't okay with C telling Scythe to go for it, but we talked it out.

[ A small bit of frustration and protectiveness, holding tight onto the hand. ]

I was thinking about talking with C about that too... I know he's got his issues, but making it tougher on you to just casually hang out with friends is too much bullying.

Of course comforting C and supporting him is my priority...but I don't think it's fair to toy with Scythe's feelings though.

[Trying to push down a small wave of nerves, guilt, frustration (directed at himself)....hesitating before continuing]

I'd like to get to know them....but if you guys don't want me to talk to them...I need to know that. I know B isn't happy with me.

[ Big hesitation, but that determination steels itself again, weaker though than before because this topic is big anxiety for him. ]

I can't talk for B, but for me... it reminds me of all of my worries about Aries and Haruto. You guys felt as close as family, and as someone who was doubting his place in your family... I guess it hits on those feelings of being replaced.

So with them it's both...

[ There's fear and self-doubt and loathing at himself for these thoughts, which digs in more as he continues. ]

... On one hand, it feels like you're replacing Aries and Haruto. And if they were so important to you, but could be replaced so easily, can I be? Is another Osamu fine as long as it's some Osamu... that's what I thought. So that's my selfish worry.

... On the other, I don't know how close you want to be with them. I haven't really talked to them, but the way they look at you and... be blatantly interested in you, it feels like... they're your boys too. And they only want to be involved with just you. Like your own set of B and C who don't really want me. And I'm too jealous to handle you having another set of boys in your life, but that's me being a greedy jerk. If you want to get to know them, I should be supportive, not jealous.

[ Big hesitate then. ]

... That's how I felt with Aries and Haruto too. They only really minded my existence for you, but if you didn't insist that I was important, then I would have never been anything to them. That our relationship as twins didn't matter except because you said so and it made me feel... dismissed. Like... they'd get rid of me even, if they thought it was something you'd like, with no hesitation for my own opinions because the only one that mattered was yours. That's... what scared me about them.

[Thinking it over...at first there's no emotion...but then there's a small flash of hurt, regret, guilt, loneliness...]

...it's hard to explain, but...Scythe and Coriander AREN'T Aries and Haruto. They're so similar but so different at the same time. They got a foot in the door because I miss Aries and Haruto so much...a cheat code. I'm not confusing them for each other. I just want to help them in the way Aries and Haruto helped me and pay it forward a little. And...a lot of the things I like about Aries and Haruto I like about them too. They're not replacements though, they're definitely different.

If another Osamu showed up here...I'd want to get to know them. They wouldn't be you, they couldn't replace you even if they tried. If you weren't here with me though...having a version of you here....it would be a painful reminder but it would also help the ache a little. Maybe that makes me a bad person... I'm probably using them a little bit to make myself feel better.

But no matter how similar other versions are, they don't share the same experiences with me. We don't have the same history.

[ Listening to Silver quietly, nervous and anxious still buzzing at the surface as he tries to push into understanding but there's still big hesitation and longing, his hand fiddling absently with the back of Silver's shirt. ]

... Selfishly, I wish I could fill in the gap they left myself.

But the world's bigger than just us.

[ His hesitation grows more, but he presses through it, unsurity edging up again. ]

Are Scythe and Coriander as important to you as B and C? And are Aries and Haruto? Or are they more? I just... think I need to know that.

[Reaching up to trace the furrow of his brow]

You're enough. More than enough. You can't...replace them...but you definitely are enough to fill the hole, okay? If I lost you, I couldn't recover from that.

[Frowns at that...pushing down a flash of hurt, trying to be as comforting and reassuring as possible]

It's not the same. You, B and C are my boys. You're the ones I'm going home with. You guys are my home.

[ Catching Silver's hand, holding onto it tightly, pulsing with yearning and disappointment with himself and an underlying desperation not to mess up again. ]

If they're important to you, I don't want to ignore that. I don't want to force you to pick, I want to figure out how to make things work. If making it work means leaving you guys to do your own thing, then we can do that, because in the end what all of us want is for you to be happy too.

[ There's a big hesitation again, but this time Gold doesn't push through it, already unsure and doubtful. ]

[Bumping foreheads with him, squeezing his hand back; there's definitely an ache and worry and a feeling of helplessness and want]

I want you guys to be happy with me. That's what I want. So how do I make that happen. I don't want you guys to be angry or hurt or think you're being replaced. You guys are the best hing I have, I don't want to risk losing you.

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